I would write ‘Dear Diary, today I’ve convinced myself that it’s okay to give up. Don’t take risks. Stick with the status quo, no drama, now is just not the time. But my reasons aren’t reasons they’re excuses.’ All I’m doing is hiding from the truth and the truth is that I’m scared, Stefan. I’m scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment that the world is just gonna come crashing down and I don’t know if I can survive that.
I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.
I put my guard up so hard. I didn’t want people to see me cry. I didn’t want people to feel bad for me. It was a very vulnerable time in my life and I refused to let that be the image. I wanted them to see me as “I’m fine, I’m tough.” I put that up until it felt real. [on Chris Brown incident]
I started to tell stories through my music that were actually my stories. My album before that, there was still a little bit of protection, there was still an innocence to me. And what that time in my life did was kind of wake people up. It’s not all a bed of roses. My life is like yours.
Every time we put out music the whole process just reflects whatever mood I’m in at that time. Whatever I’m feeling, whatever I’m going through, whatever mood I’m in… if I’m feeling like dancing or clubbing, then it will be reflected in the music. If I’m feeling dark and vulnerable then it will reflect in the music too.
I do have a vulnerable side. I think a lot of people have a misperception of me. They only see the tough, defensive, aggressive side. But every woman is vulnerable. They have vulnerability. So of course I’m going to have that side. It’s not a major part of who I am but it’s definitely there.
I just don’t like people to see me cry. I don’t like to let them know when I’m bothered, you know? I just prefer it to be all about business and then whatever I’m dealing with, let me deal with that alone because I don’t want it to affect anything in my professional life.