#ff Follow me to read hilarious things I write. I follow back. Just kidding, I would never follow you.
Will Ferrell Quotes
They need to make bigger Capri Suns. I’m not 7 years old anymore.
I had a wet dream about you last night…. I dreamed you got hit by a bus & pissed myself laughing.
“Fucking” is one of those fucking words you can fucking put anyfuckingwhere in a sentence and it still makes fucking sense.
Dear life, When I said “can my day get any worse” it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
I never let my kids watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.
I love how in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like “Yeah I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”
God damn it I just lost a follower. Whoever u are I hope u choke on a bag of dicks.
The awkward moment when Chris Brown lifts his hand to scratch his head and everybody flinches.
I changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect’. So my computer just tells me when I forget.
I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they fuck up I will just hit them all at once.
Sitting in green room with Justin Bieber… must resist urge to roundhouse kick him in his midget face.
I met Drake yesterday. I heard of drawing on your eyebrows… but not with a black magic marker.
I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in bitches.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
If you watch Mean Girls backwards, it’s about a girl that got so unpopular, she moved to Africa.